Anew
Anew
by sa.re
Nie Mingjue paced around the length of the room. He felt like all the accumulated emotions of the past two days were lodged at the back of his throat, slowly choking him little by little. A part of him distantly wonders how he was even able to breathe! He curled his hands into tight fists, just to stop them from trembling, still his fists shook periodically. He came to a sudden halt in the middle of the room and swallowed. If only he could push all these cloying emotions down his throat, into his stomach and obliterate them there, perhaps he could have a little peace. Just then he heard a faint rattling sound. His head whipped around to see Baxia vibrating in her chambers.
He really needs to calm down.
He took a broken breath.
It was quite a difficult feat.
There was a total lack of control over his own body. He snorted, it wasn't a new feeling for him. Nie Mingjue is used to being furious and subsequently adept at calming himself, just enough to function properly. The thing is, now is not like all those previous situations. After all it is not everyday that you come back from the dead and to have literally gone back in time in addition to that!
I remember being dead! Nie Mingjue thought incredulously.
He abruptly sat down at the raised platform. Bringing his hands to cover his face, he briefly marveled at his tenacious hold over his own threadbare sanity. It has been two days since he has returned (gone back in time or wherever he is).
He remembered about...his past life? He could still see the image of a sobbing Huaisang in that snake Meng Yao’s arms. He could feel the remnants of rage coursing through him, enveloping everything into a red haze and then falling into a bleak emptiness. He thinks he woke up later, sometimes to scream and to shout at something or someone but he couldn’t recall anything concrete. His next conscious memory was the sound of his Liebeng.
Even in his afterlife, it would only be fair for him to be the one consolation to Nie Mingjue’s fierce corpse. He was pushed into the dark abyss yet again, forced to be sealed for an eternity with his enemy. There was a point when all the rage simmered down and he finally let himself succumb fully into the awning darkness.
There was only nothing after that point.
The next moment he was able to open his eyes, he found himself back in his bedroom in Qinghe. Bewildered, he had ripped open his door like a piece of parchment and almost ran into Nie Zonghui. As a concerned Nie Zonghui had reached out to steady him, his warm hand on Mingjue’s wrist was enough to shake him out of his stupor and make him fall into a new one. Because Zonghui was dead! Nie Mingjue knew he was killed by the saber spirit. How was he alive? What is happening here!
That was the moment when he had run off like a madman, searching for something to hold onto. Anything to identify what is real and what is not. Strangely now that he is here he has no desire to leave. He did not want to go back to that void. He hoped all this was not a dream. That is, if the dead even dreams.
He had stopped by a window, breathing into the crisp morning air. No wonder there were no disciples around. It was way too early in the morning. He was desperately trying to find purchase, when he spied the figure of Nei Huaisang sneakily entering the compound. He must have been out drinking and fooling around all night. Although quiet instinctively Mingjue was annoyed at his careless younger brother, he was mostly preoccupied with taking in the image of his red cheeked mischievous little brother.
A-Sang must have suffered a lot without me around, Mingjue thought regretfully.
Huaisang chose that very moment to look up and at the sight of his older brother he froze, his lips parted as he shaped the word, “Da-ge…?”
Even from this distance Nie Mingjue could hear the whining undertone. He almost rolled his eyes in exasperation. But the growing panic had finally breached the limit of his tolerance and he turned away, blindly rushing into his chamber.
He had barricaded himself inside his chambers, avoiding everyone. At first, Nie Huaisang had been quite happy to be left to his own devices as he recovered from the night’s revelry. But after a day of nothing from Da-ge, he had become suspicious and then he grew increasingly worried. So even A-Sang had been trying to corner him.
He had ended up shouting at everyone to leave him the fuck alone. Somehow that had worked remarkably well, everyone seemed to be assured that everything was alright with their lord/friend/brother. Only once had he deliberately stepped out of his room-to dispatch the fastest runner carrying his letter to Gusu.
He rubbed his face and stared anxiously at the closed door. He should be here by now.
Xichen, where are you? He thought desperately.
Just then, Mingjue heard a firm knock on the door. Before even the first sound faded away, Mingjue had crossed the room and pulled the door open.
Lan Xichen had one of his hands raised, ready to knock again. His lips parted as his eyes roved over Mingjue's face. There was a slight pinch between his brows as he took in the almost manic energy radiating off Nie Mingjue. He stepped inside as Nie Mingjue stepped back to let him in.
"Da-ge, what's wrong? Are you alright? I apologize it took me so long to arrive. I-" Lan Xichen broke off as Mingjue stepped closer, barely a hairsbreadth away from him. Even though they have been best friends, Nie Mingjue was not really known to be touchy-feely. Mingjue's eyes never left his face.
His gaze fluttered from Xichen's dark eyes, to his parted mouth, to his cheekbones; it was as if he was trying to look at every tiny part of him in a single glance and growing visibly frustrated by his inability to do so.
Xichen's frown became more pronounced and a sudden hesitance along with something akin to guilt flashed on his face.
"Da-ge, A-Yao is also here. I received your letter while we were having tea."
Mingjue felt an instant flash of blinding fury. That snake! He must be here to play that bastardized version of Clarity!
"-ge....Mingjue-xiong!" Xichen raised his voice as he quickly grabbed hold of Nie Mingjue's wrist to channel a steady tendril of calming Qi.
No, that snake is not important here. Nobody but Xichen and A-Sang is important to him. He doesn't care about Meng Yao and his constant schemes. He doesn't. Mingjue thought fiercely as he let Xichen's warm qi fill his meridians.
He took a deep breath.
"I don't care about Meng Yao." He spoke bluntly.
Xichen eyes flashed with disappointment and hurt, he opened his mouth perhaps to defend Meng Yao, just as Nie Mingjue loosened Xichen’s hold from his wrist and enfolded Xichen's hand within his own. His large sword rougned hand cupped the equally rougned pale hand of Lan Xichen. He rubbed his thumb tenderly on Xichen's knuckles. Nie Mingjue stared down at the image of their clasped hands as Xichen let out a stuttering breath.
"Xichen..." Nie Mingjue murmured quietly.
“Da-ge, what is it?” Xichen asked, anxious at his best friend and sworn brother’s strange mood.
"Xichen…” Mingjue said. “Thank you for coming." His voice dropped an octave lower. The last bit seemed to have been said as an afterthought. It was as if all Mingjue wanted was to keep whispering his name. Xichen.
No thoughts, nothing to say or think except Xichen.
Xichen floundered, he said something of ‘no need to say thanks, da-ge!’ But he barely heard himself speak. Da-ge was still rubbing his thumb on his hand which was safely encased in his larger, warmer one. He let slip a shuddering breath.
Lan Xichen looked up to see Nie Mingjue staring at him with an intensity which Xichen had only ever seen in a battle. His mouth became dry. He swallowed thickly. It was a marvelous thing, being the lone focus of Chifeng Zun's attention.
Nie Mingjue drew closer. He was so close that his breath fanned out on Xichen's lips. Mingjue's lips hovered over Xichen as he whispered softly, "Step away if you don't want this."
Mingjue pulled himself backwards with difficulty and waited for his answer, giving Xichen enough time and space to pull away from him. For Xichen, Mingjue will wait an eternity. He remained frozen, enjoying the emotions filtering through Lan Xichen's pretty eyes. His childhood friend, his best friend, his confidant, his sworn brother- but more than all these names and titles, Xichen had been the one he had loved fiercely, quietly, unknowingly and very naturally.
Lan Xichen leaned forward to press his lips firmly against Nie Mingjue. It was a chaste kiss, a mere brush against the other. Their hands still locked together tightened as Mingjue wrapped an arm around Xichen's waist, pulling him closer, kissing him back slowly, gently.
They moved with an ease that spoke of years of intimacy. They fit into one another's gaps, deficiency, inferiority so seamlessly that what separated them was bare necessity of air. Only rushed intake of breaths so it doesn't part them away from each other anymore than so many thousands and thousands have before this union. All the reserves and restraint, rules and expectations, responsibilities and codes; everything were blown to smithereens with the force of their once constrained passion for each other. They gasped out distinct words of love and adoration. And in that room, finally, they were just A-Jue and A-Huan.
The next moment they both came to their senses, they were sitting on the raised platform, with Xichen almost on Mingjue's lap. They were both breathing heavily, hands grasping at the others neck, waist, sifting through each other’s hair. They looked decidedly disheveled.
A sound of a throat clearing pierced through the dreamy haze between the couple. Lan Xichen froze. He had completely forgotten about A-Yao!
How could I be so careless? Lan Xichen silently berated himself. He swiftly detached his arms from Mingjue and made to get up but Mingjue’s arms tightened around him, refusing to let him go. Xichen gasped loudly as the force of pulling himself off Mingjue and Mingjue pulling him back to him, resulted in Xichen tumbling straight into Mingjue’s lap.
“Da-ge!” Xichen yelped, twisting to free himself. Mingjue paid no attention to the snake and focused entirely on the lovely shade of red dusting Xichen’s cheeks. He leaned towards a flushed ear and whispered, “Please, Xichen...A-huan please, don’t ask me to let you go.”
Xichen paused. One of his hands came up to automatically run through Nie Mingjue’s hair, petting him, reassuring, wordlessly of his presence.
“A-Jue, A-Yao is here.” Xichen muttered as quietly as possible but he was sure his san-di could hear him clearly. He heard Mingjue sigh and reluctantly loosened his arms around Xichen, letting the other to slip away and stand. Mingjue kept their hands locked, no way was he ever letting Xichen away from his arm range. He will touch Xichen as long as the other allows him.
Xichen sighed, fondly.
Xichen could barely wrap his head around Mingjue-xiong returning his deep buried desire. He had always assumed Mingjue-xiong to perceive him as nothing but a best friend or a sworn brother and someone to watch his back on in a battle. Xichen had been happy with just that, being around Mingjue-xiong was enough.
Do not be greedy.
Coveting does not suit a Lan. And Xichen is Sect Leader Lan. So he had to live by those rules more than anyone.
But now….everything seems new, hopeful, and Xichen was aware as he turned to look at A-Yao, that he was glowing. Xichen couldn’t stop his smile from spreading a little wider than usual and a twinkle of happiness in his sparkling eyes. He couldn't stop even if he tried. Because he loved Nie Mingjue and for some unfathomable reason Mingjue-xiong loved him back. He knew he was being naive, his happiness will never be seen by anyone. It will likely remain within folds of secrecy. Except perhaps, A-Yao and Wangji would know.
He trusts A-Yao.
Jin Guangyao was silent, waiting patiently for his sworn brothers to remember their sense of decorum. He had schooled his expression to a pleasant one, a neutral one. Inside his mind and in the deep recess of his heart, he was blank. It was a good thing he was so excellent at imitation; so good at pretending to be real- to be a perfectly functioning human being.
“A-Yao,” Xichen spoke, smiling helplessly at Jin Guangyao. “I know you will keep quiet about what you saw."
Jin Guangyao smiled gently back at his Er-ge, "Of course, Er-ge."
Jin Guangyao's voice shook Mingjue out of his thoughts, basking around Xichen. He looked up at Meng Yao, a.k.a the aforementioned snake. For the first time in a long time he felt nothing. (Or at least that’s what he was trying to make himself believe.)
"Meng Yao, I need you to give me more time." He said seriously.
He saw the traitor fashion his face into a perfectly bemused smile.
"Time? For what, da-ge?"
Can it be a perfect mask when Nie Mingjue could see past his careful constructs? Huh. Something to contemplate about, Mingjue thought as he flinged the idea away. He remained seated and looked directly at the betrayers beady eyes (if only they were actually beady, Mingjue huffed in his head. He was being petty but oh well) and said calmly,
"More time before you murder me."
He felt Xichen's immediate distress in the way he turned to placate or whatever he was planning to do to smooth his anger but Mingjue squeezed his hands, stopping Xichen from doing.
Jin Guangyao visibly tensed, flabbergasted. His reaction was too minuscule for anyone to note but Mingjue could see it clearly. His lips tilted a fraction, amused at his own ability to draw out a reaction from the snake.
"Da-ge! Why would you think I would-" Before Jin Guangyao could continue his charade of innocence, Mingjue interrupted.
"Yes, yes, you could never even think of hurting me. It is not like you have ever betrayed me. It is not as if you did not kill several of my clan men and tortured me. Of course, I am the one who imagines the worst of you. And of course you would never plan to kill me off by using Xichen's trust. Nope, never you." Mingjue drawled out, his only free hand waving to create a perfect picture of a sarcastic and caustic irony.
Xichen dropped down to his knees beside Mingjue, his hands tightening around him so much that if it was anybody else their bones might have been pulverized. So this is the famed Lan arm strength, Mingjue mused quietly, a jolt of unadulterated desire shot through his spine.
"A-Jue!"
"Da-ge!"
Mingjue blinked as Xichen watched him with a visibly growing anguish. Mingjue concentrated on Xichen instead of what the snake was blabbering about.
He cupped his pretty face and smoothing out the crease between Xichen's brow, tenderly caressing his face.
"It's okay, love. It's okay, A-Huan. I am here. I am okay." Mingjue whispered he added, akin to an afterthought, "I am sane."
A sudden knock on the door silenced both of the agitated men in the room.
"Enter." Mingjue ordered.
A quiet click and Nie Zonghui walked into the room. Seeing both Zewu-jun, Lianfang-Zun, his master and all the charged emotions in the room, he paused. Bowing to the occupants he said,
"Chifeng Zun, I see you are busy. I shall come later. Apologies for the interruption."
Zonghui bowed again and turned to leave the room.
"Wait, Zonghui." Mingjue said.
Zonghui paused and turned to face him.
"Can you please ask Huaisang to come see me right now?" Mingjue requested.
Zonghui raised one brow and replied he would.
Zonghui was halfway out of the room when he heard the rumbled voice of his best friend say, "It is good to see you well, my friend."
He must have heard that wrong. As Zonghui walked off to find Huaisang, he shook his head at the thought of what Nie Mingjue said. Maybe Nie Mingjue really needed to rest. For the past two days, Mingjue's behaviour has been more erratic than usual, making everyone in the stronghold worry. There has even been some hushed talk about Chifeng Zun needing to take a break. Must be it, Zonghui thought firmly.
There was a resounding silence in the room. Jin Guangyao, trying and failing to keep his mask on, Xichen deep in turmoil about his beloved’s state of mind mixed with a small surprise at the seemingly loss of composure from A-Yao, while Mingjue was happily playing with Xichen's hands and sometimes soothing his agitated lover.
"Da-ge," Jin Guangyao seems to have finally pulled himself out of his panic and was desperately trying to do some damage control (How did da-ge know I was going to ask er-ge to teach me Clarity!) "If you do not wish for me to help er-ge in playing the Song of Clarity for you then I won't insist. But to say that I… I-I would k-k.." Jin Guangyao visibly controlled his shaking voice, as he tightened his grip on his robes and pressed his trembling lips together. He made a very convincing picture of a troubled younger brother, misunderstood, but ready to take on the blame to help out the people he cares for. Mingjue looked back at the snake and felt a wave of grudging admiration. The man was really good at this. If only he wasn't so rotten, Mingjue sighed.
"Yes, Meng Yao, you would definitely kill me the first chance you get." Mingjue added helpfully and continued, "but strangely enough you won't kill me because you hate me. You will kill me because your father wants me dead."
Jin Guangyao jerked back, his face turning ashen.
Xichen's hold tightened to a magnificent degree as he gritted his teeth.
"Da-ge, please stop this madness. A-Jue, A-Yao is not the enemy. He is our sworn brother. He won't ever… do such things!" Xichen pleaded, to him it was inconceivable that the man who had protected and sheltered him at the time of his need could be anything but the kind and upright man he seems to be.
Mingjue smiled wryly at Xichen, pulling the hand still holding Xichen closer, he pressed a kiss, reverently. He murmured against the hand, "I love you, Xichen, for a lot of things. One of them is your ability to find good in everyone. In caring for everyone. It is the most admirable and beautiful trait, my love. But I feel that this time you are trusting and caring for the wrong person. I won't let you get hurt by him. Don't worry, A-Huan."
The door burst open, jerking everyone but Mingjue from their place. Nie Huaisang rushed in a cloud of silk and perfume.
"Da-ge!" He shouted as he came to a standstill beside Jin Guangyao. He quickly took note of the pale Jin Guangyao, his da-ge sitting and kissing Zewu-jun's hand while a distressed Zewu-jun watched his da-ge desperately.
Mingjue moved his head to look at his little brother and for a second he remembered how a young Huaisang would cling to him, whining for his 'da-ge'.
But now Mingjue had some notion about how his whiny little brother would take care of his sect in his absence. Although Mingjue was unaware of every detail from his earlier life after his mortal death, he knew enough to gather that he had underestimated his little brother. A lot.
"Huaisang, come here." Mingjue rumbled out gravely. Xichen tried to stand up as Huaisang hesitantly walked towards them. Mingjue tightens his hands around Xichen, not letting him go as Huaisang reaches him. Mingjue grabs his brother by the neck and pulls him towards himself. Huaisang eeped and froze as he found himself, squished in his older brother's arms. It has been a long while since his brother has hugged him.
Mingjue kept his one free arm wrapped tightly around Huaisang.
"I am sorry I keep being mean to you, A-Sang. I just wanted you to be safe. But I could have been a lot less harsher to you. I hope you know how much I love you, di-di. There is nothing in this world I won't do for you." Mingjue slowly murmured in Huaisang's hair.
Huisang froze at all the admissions. What is happening! Who is this man?! What has happened to his da-ge? Huaisang squirmed to be let out of his brother's grasp and Mingjue allowed him to go.
A flustered Huaisang stared at his da-ge unable to formulate more than an incoherent accusation of a doppelganger. Mingjue grinned at his embarrassed di-di and ruffled his hair, and chuckled at the subsequent sound of an outraged 'da-ge!'
"A-Sang, I need you to do something for me." Mingjue said seriously. Huaisang frowned suspiciously back and nodded for him to continue.
"You know that I won't live long-" He was cut off by a wounded noise from Xichen, unconsciously Mingjue kissed Xichen's trapped hand in an effort to soothe him and continued, "even if I somehow survived Qi-Deviation, I am sure Meng Yao will kill me off in some way."
"Da-ge!" Jin Guangyao shouted, exasperated and hurt on his face.
"It is true and you know it, Meng Yao. Anyway, so A-Sang, my dear di-di, do this last favor for your da-ge." Mingjue wheedled as Huaisang's face fluctuated from suspicion, confusion and surprise to concern.
"What, da-ge?" Huaisang asked as he took out his fan to play and hide behind.
"I need you to become the Sect leader while I am recuperating in Cloud Recess." Mingjue said with finality. Without giving anyone time to react, he quickly turned to Xichen, taking in his beloved's stunned face, and finally stood up. Towering over his beloved, he cupped his beautiful face and placed a kiss on his lips.
"I wish to spend my remaining days with you, A-Huan. I know it is a lot to ask for but can you scurry me into cloud recesses?" Mingjue brushed his nose tenderly on his beloved's and kept murmuring, "I will stay with you as long as you want me. I won't even complain about the food. I swear. I just need you." He finished and leaned back giving Lan Xichen enough space to contemplate.
Lan Xichen was only human, no matter how much his Uncle and Lan Clan Elders believed him to be anything but the perfect unpolished jade. He was aware that something drastic must have happened with Nie Mingjue, causing him to change his behavior so inconceivably. To say that Lan Xichen was extremely worried would be an understatement. But the temptation of keeping Mingjue so close to him was immense. He found himself gripping both of Nie Mingjue's hands.
"Yes, of course, da-ge. Whatever you need." Xichen said reassuringly, a large part of him was already planning on how to safely bring Mingjue-xiong into his home and subsequently help Nie Huaisang into helping with his new role. He could always ask A-Yao for help. But his san-di has become too busy handling his own sect.
I will keep A-Jue safe in Cloud Recesses We will find a way to stop him from succumbing to Qi deviation, Xichen thought determinedly.
“Da-ge! You can’t do that! I don’t want to be a Sect Leader. I can’t. Why would you think san-ge would kill you? Da-ge!” Huaisang complained loudly.
Mingjue turned to look at his younger brother but before he could answer, Xichen swiftly intervened.
“Huaisang, I think it would be for best for Da-ge if he stays at the Cloud Recesses. He...has been behaving quite strangely. I fear something worse might happen.” Xichen said, showing his inner turmoil at the thought of Mingjue's deteriorating mental health.
Mingjue happily let Xichen believe that he is blabbering accusations against the snake because of some new issue regarding Qi deviation. As long as he gets to stay with Xichen, he doesn’t really care for the process.
“I am sure A-Yao would help you with taking in the reigns as the acting Nie Sect Leader.” Xichen tried to convince Huaisang but Mingjue interrupted him. No way was he allowing Meng Yao access to his younger brother. However clever Huaisang may be, Meng Yao is a far more of a seasoned player. What if his younger brother is unable to see past Meng Yao’s facade?
“Nie Zonghui will help you, Huaisang. I am sure Meng Yao has other things to do. I don’t want him near you. As Xichen said, you can be the acting sect leader. Zonghui knows what to do.” Mingjue dictated firmly.
Huaisang sputtered and kept whining.
“Huaisang, I think you should listen to da-ge.” Jin Guangyao said quietly. “Da-ge would feel a lot better if he is with er-ge and of course I will help. You can send me your queries through letters. Since da-ge does not wish you to associate yourself with me, I shall abide by his wishes.” He bowed to Mingjue. His demeanor was subdued. Mingjue eyed him, wondering what new game he was playing now.
“Da-ge, er-ge, I shall take my leave.” Guangyao said as he bowed, his lips tilted at a mockery of a trembling smile. “I do not want to agitate you further, da-ge. Er-ge, if you need me for anything, please do not hesitate to ask.” He quickly turned away as Xichen tried to leave Mingjue so that he could comfort his dear friend but it seemed both of his sworn brothers did not wish for that to happen; Mingjue’s grip on his hand tightened and A-Yao almost ran out of the room.
Guangyao knew he was walking too fast but he really needed to get out of that room, mostly he needed to be far away from Nie Mingjue who so casually charged him with horrifying crimes. Guangyao let pleasantries slip past his lips as he acknowledged various disciples around, his mind working a million miles away. He has never understood his elder sworn brother yet today has floored him so much that now he discarded anything he ever believed to be true about him. Guangyao had conflict with Nie Mingjue, of course, but he had hoped that by the close bond they shared with each other now, Nie Mingjue would allow him a second chance. He knew it was wishful thinking on his part. Because the most horrifying thing about all the accusations thrown at him by da-ge was the naked truth behind it. As Jin Guangyao paused at the entrance of the Nie compound, he wondered, would he really kill da-ge to appease his father?
Back in the room, Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue’s efforts have come to fruition, with Nie Zonghui added to their team, they convinced a rather reluctant Nie Huaisang into becoming a de facto Sect Leader. At least for now, Mingjue knew he could not force his younger brother into the role. Even though a part of him was astounded at his level of nonchalance, he really couldn't give a shit about clan rules of succession. He needed a break. He had died once. He had done everything according to his principle, he had been righteous and refused to bow his head at the face of tyranny. But look where it got him! Alone and murdered. Nope, not this time around. If he has to die, he will die after seeing his younger brother reach his full potential. And after he has had Lan Xichen, the First Jade of Lan, in his arms.
A tired Nie Huaisang left the room followed behind a concerned and determined Nie Zonghui. Lan Xichen sighed and closed his eyes, sitting back down on the platform, forsaking all the elegance expected from the esteemed Zewu-jun. Nie Mingjue crouched, leaning in front of him, he invaded his space until their foreheads touched. Xichen tensed, his eyes flew open and his face turned bright red as he felt Mingjue-xiong’s skin touch his forehead ribbon.
“A-Huan, you will take care of me, won’t you?” Mingjue whispered teasingly,
“I...I...A-Jue!” Xichen whined, tucking his face into Mingjue’s neck.
Mingjue smiled, rubbing his hands gently over Xichen’s silky long hair, playing with the ends of his forehead ribbon.
He thought, this is worth it.
Hello, there! Thank you for your patience for reading this fanfic. It was a very self indulgent one. Let me know in the comment section what you thought of this fic or anything regarding MDZS and Nielan.
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While writing this fanfic I found some echoes of the charcters in Emily Dickinson's poetry Here are they:
Lan Xichen:
“If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again.
I shall not live in vain.”
Nie Mingjue:
“The heart asks pleasure first,
And then excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;
And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.”
Jin Guangyao:
“Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.”
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